Effervescence

Thursday, December 31, 2009

In The End

i still mull over elfy on certain fortnights. the mother passed me her jotter notebook whilst i was watchin teletubbies with elmyrah (her 4 year old younger sister). on one of those random days she wrote,

"here's to all the girls that used to be his number one. The ones that waited all night for him to call, only to check the caller ID the next morning and get disappointed. The ones that made it thru' that bitter break-up, dried ur own tears and moved on with ur own life, only to have him walk back in it months later like nothing ever happened.

Those of u who cried on the first day u talked again because u knew exactly where this phonecall was going. The ones who listened to him say, "I only want to be ur friend" one day, and the next, listened to him say how much he loves and misses u. We deserve something and this is our tribute.

Here's to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time, he was different, hoping that maybe people do change. We listened to our friends tell us that we're stupid for even thinking about giving him another chance, caught crap from our parents and even snucked around to see him for a while. We went thru the great stage without fighting all over again. We started out thinking that we would be just friends and ended up falling in love with him again. We wanted nothing more in the world than to hear him tell us he loved us too, that even though things were bad in the past, they would be different this time. And when we finally heard it, it was like we were dreamin. This is for us.

Here's to the ones who believed what he said, sat around all over again waitin for a phonecall that might come in a few hours, or a few days.Here's for the tears cried and dried all over again. We wanted so desperately to believe that he was really busy, he couldn't possibly call us at that moment, or even that he fell asleep early. We trained ourselves to believe the lies because we wanted to believe we had found the one for us. We learned to settle for someone who didn't treat us the way we should be treated.

Here's to the ones who did their hair and makeup and put on their prettiest earrings, only to hear him say he couldn't see us today. The ones who never believed it when people told us there might be someone else. We just couldn't believe that he could do this to us again.

This is for those great girls, who loved him more than words can say, and took him back no matter what happened last time because the couldn't bear to look back at their lives one day and wonder "what if".

This is for the girls who stayed up all night long listening to him whine about his ex-girlfriend who cheated on him and cried during the entire convo. The ones who hope he would realize that he deserved better, that he deserved us. When he said that he loved u, but he was in love with her, he didn't mean it. This is for the ones who held on to that something that was never there to begin with.

This is for us girls, who sumhow managed to get him to forget about her, and got him to tell us that he was in love with us again, only to have him tell us three weeks later "that things were going too fast, he needs time". Here's to the girls who couldnt cry to their friends because of of how stupid they felt. The ones who held it all when things came crumbling to pieces again.

This is for those who couldn't bear to tell their mom what was going on, for the fear of an "I told u so". The ones that could juz tell that they had made a mistake by ever allowing him into their hearts and dreams again. We knew that we deserved better the entire time, that we deserved a guy who would call when he said he was going to, one that would come see us whenever he got a chance, one that would really care about us. We juz wanted the one that we loved like that.

Here's for the ones that finally realized that he never gave a crap about them. Here's for the time that he broke ur heart again. This is for those days spent trying to hold back the tears, and the tears that turned into anger, then disappointment. Here are for the girls that realized that we deserve better.

This is for those confusing days, when u miss him and want nothing more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around ur waist. Stay strong and remember that relationships are like broken pieces of glass; sometimes its better to leave it alone than to try top put it back together only to get hurt.

Remember the times u cried and how long it took u to even able to look at another guy like that. When "your song" comes on the radio, turn the station. When the day comes that he realizes, what a mistake he made and tries calling, turn your phone off. When he tries coming to ur house, don't answer the door. Think of the broken promises, and the lies, the manipulation and the tears, the wasted moments and stayin up all night wondering where the hell he was. Think of how used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night and how it fell to your stomach when u saw it wasn't him, and realized that once again, he hadn't called when he said he was going to.

One day you'll find a guy, whos worth all the tears, but he won't make u cry. You may think that u'll never care about sumone like u did that guy u always ran back to, but u will. It's going to hurt like hell and its going to need time to heal, but the point is, it will heal. This is for thos girls who fell back in love with their ex, only to get hurt all over again.

so Muhd Redzwan uve told me stories that made me realize ur that A-hole in this story, but despite everything i wrote, my heart still skips a beat when when i see u frm afar, get butterflies in my tummy the first time u held my hand after telling me u could make out the next guy im gonna date thru palm reading, feel that jive and goosebumps when u text me "sure, why not" even after workin roundaclock and i insisted on havin supper.

fcuk u for ill-treatin ur ex-girlfriend like that. but then agn, i had always wanted to tell u i loved u.

p.s. Yes, Muhd Redzwan, I love u."

and i finally realize dear God, at that moment, fcuk myself.

Blogged @ 5:40 PM